SOFTER THAN THE WOMB OF A MARSHMALLOW MERMAID? NOT QUITE. CORDAROUNDS UNVEILS VAGISOFT BLANKETS
SAN FRANCISCO, January 29th — The world of tactile technology was satisfied with “soft as a baby’s bottom” as the measure of absolute softness. Anyone who dared name something “softer than” the aforementioned infant’s posterior was suggesting a theoretical, quantum world of soft that existed beyond anything man could conceive. That is, until researchers at Cordarounds invented the Tactile Soft-o-meter, a device that can detect and compare the density of softrons, the subatomic units of softness. And while this has proven a Nobel-worthy discovery, their scientists could not simply rest on their laurels.Using this newfound knowledge, they set out to line the pockets of their incredible reversible smoking jackets. And so comfy was the fabric they developed, so rich and impossibly supple, that test subjects had to have their hands removed from the coat pockets with the Jaws of Life.But what to name this miracle material? Again and again, the Soft-o-meter produced a result that had their marketing department in a nervous titter. “But we’re scientists dammit, not salesmen,” proclaimed Chris Lindland, Cordarounds founder, “and if the Soft-meter says this fabric measures “Vagisoft” within a standard deviation of one softron, so it shall be named!”